The Silver Lining

According to a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2006, 40% of Americans aged 26 to 40 have a tattoo. I am not one of them.

But it is not for lack of trying.

Tattoos have become part of the American commitment to the development of the personal brand. And like a good American, I am ready to self-indulgently brand myself so that I can proclaim my coolness to all those fortunate enough to get up close and personal with the top of my ass.

But injecting ink under your skin in a visually appealing way so as not develop a Staph infection or look like a 1920s longshoreman is not as simple a task as one would think.

I am in LA, where there are more tattoos than parking spots and some of the most famous tattoo parlors in the world. Consequently, I really didn’t think getting a tattoo would be so challenging.

My first stop, the Shamrock Social club on Sunset Blvd. Having never been “inked” before I was a bit nervous, but I took the ample parking behind the building as a good omen (especially for LA). None of the artists were around, but I was able to ask the super cute shop manager, Cody, about the potential of getting a particular piece of art on my lower back. Now the vibe of this place is great. They have a well used pool table in the front of the space and a relaxed Social Distortion vibe. Plus I like the idea of it being a club, I mean, I want to be a member of the cool tattoo club, right? Unfortunately, Cody uttered the words that five hours later have become the spoiler to my tattoo dreams.

“It is gonna need to be bigger”

Now the actual tattoo of my dreams is not important, you should just know I was hoping for the intricate design to be about 1” tall by 3” wide.

The picture below puts the original artwork into perspective relative to a dime.

Bigger huh? I can do bigger. I thank Cody and head up Sunset to shop #2, Sunset Strip Tattoo. I couldn’t get much more Hollywood unless I had been on a three day cocaine bender and had Tequila on my breath.

This shop was not as vibey as Shamrock, but Paul (an actual tattoo artist) was very kind to give me a brief “tattooing 101” lesson. Seems that not only do I need to go bigger, but I need to go MUCH bigger. The font involved in my design is really intricate and involves variations in width throughout the script. Plus the kerning (that is the space between the letters) is really tight. If I don’t go larger, the tattoo might eventually turn into a muddled series of horizontal lines across the top of my ass. Yea for me!

Version #2 below, it is starting to push the the limit of body real estate I am willing to brand.

I have to also mention that there was a dog hanging out at Sunset Strip Tattoo. I mention this because the dog was not a pit bull, or rottweiler or even a good natured lab, but rather a surprisingly perky carmel colored poodle. Nothing says hard core, Sunset Strip, rock-and-roll tattoo parlor like a carmel colored poodle. Tattoo irony.

My 3rd stop was the Disneyland of all tattoo parlors, Kat Von D’s High Voltage Tattoo made famous in the TLC series”LA Ink”. The first thing you notice about High Voltage is the set design…a near perfect mix of Betty Page’s boudoir, Smog City Roller Girls merchandise table, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater and the MAC counter at Macy’s. It is actually nicely put together, complete with velvet ropes and a skateboard ramp. After waiting in line behind the phalanx of heavily lip-glossed, t-shirt-purchasing nineteen year olds from the midwest, I was finally able to talk to an artist, “Mojo”, and once again I heard “it’s going have to be bigger”.

In this final version it is important to note that the copier at the tattoo parlor didn’t have legal sized paper so the picture below is only the left half of the tatto.

Mojo was really nice, and in spite of the spring break crowd amassing at the door he took the time to discuss some possibilities. Editing the script down, changing the tattoo, moving it to a different part of the body…otherwise in his expert opinion the tattoo really needs to be about 6” by 12”…like a license plate above my derriere. By this time I was beginning to understand why there are so many butterflies out there hovering over girl’s asses. I was also a bit disappointed to hear that the tattoo would be about $600 at High Voltage compared to the $300 at the other two shops. But then Disneyland is incredibly expensive, and just like at High Voltage, the t-shirts are an extra $25. I have to think that the “sell-out” vibe of High Voltage is easily soothed by fat paychecks and lines of groupies.

So after trying to become a walking billboard for my personal neurosis, I think I will take the advice of Paul at Sunset Strip Tattoo and head “back to the drawing board”…literally and figuratively.

I may still end up with a tattoo, but I figure I need to enter into such a big commitment the old fashioned way.

That is to say, after binge drinking in a foreign country.